


Next Time She'll Just Try Vegas

by Methoxyethane



Category: Bleach
Genre: Crack, Crackverse, F/M, Family, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-10
Updated: 2008-02-10
Packaged: 2017-10-26 05:00:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/278977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Methoxyethane/pseuds/Methoxyethane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Renji was just glad he hadn't had to use the tranquilizer- he was pretty sure Rukia would count her brother being unconscious as 'something stupid that ruins everything.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Next Time She'll Just Try Vegas

**Author's Note:**

> "You can't do this."

"You can't do this."

Byakuya resolutely stared down his vice-captain, offended by the idea that he would be stood up against in such a manner. "I can, and will."

Renji, however, did not waver. "I won't let you do this to her."

"It's in her best interest."

Renji shook his head. "She made this decision on her own, Taichou. You'd be destroying a lot more than just her pride by stopping her."

"I swore to protect her, and if that means protecting her from herself, so be it."

"She'll never forgive you if you go through with this. Neither will I, or any of the people out there with her right now!"

"I don't care. I will do what I think is best."

Renji sighed, frustrated with the lack of progress. "Look, even if you stop her today, who's to say she won't just sneak out while your not lookin'? She's dead set and determined, I doubt you can stop her."

"If I can't stop her with my words, I'll stop her with my blade."

Renji's eyes practically popped out of his head. "You're going to try to stop Rukia's WEDDING with your _sword_? Are you out of your **mind**!"

"Not at all, Renji. It's a very simple process- all I have to do is kill the groom, you see."

"For god's sake, you're not gonna kill anyone!"

"Try me, Renji. Try me."

The red-head sighed, resting his forehead in his hands. "Look," he started, "The reason you don't want her to marry this guy is because you don't think he'll be good for her, right?"

"Essentially."

"Because you don't think he'll make her happy?"

"Yes."

"Then it's safe to say that the ultimate goal here is Rukia's happiness?"

"Obviously, Renji. What, pray tell, is your point?"

"Look, today is her _wedding._ That means that today is supposed to be the happiest day of her Goddamned life- every little girl dreams of being a bride. This is supposed to be the most important day of a woman's life, _her_ day. Can you really ruin it for her?"

Byakuya thought for a moment. "Yes. Yes I can."

Renji facepalmed. "Oh my GOD, you've got to be kidding. If you weren't an important part of the ceremony I'd knock you out and lock you in a closet where you can't do any fucking damage."

"I'd like to see you try that, actually."

"Please shut up."

Renji, face still in his hands, thought for a long while. Rukia had specifically given him the task of making sure nothing stupid ruined her wedding, which meant, essentially, that if it wasn't the most beautiful fucking wedding in the history of Soul Society, Renji would be killed. Horribly. He had to figure this out.

"Okay, I have an idea. How about a compromise- you let _today_ go off without a hitch, and kill him or castrate him or run him off or whatever it is you plan on doing to him- _later_. I don't care if she wakes up tommorow with him allready gone, but f _or the love of all that is holy_ , let her have today. Is that fair?"

Byakuya looked into Renji's pleading eyes, and finally, _finally_ aquiesced.

"Very well. Today will go off without a hitch. I promise."

Renji sighed in relief. "Thank you. Now let's go out there and give your sister away."

Byakuya nodded, and the two headed out the door, Renji silently thanking whatever gods were out there that he didn't have to use the tranquilizer Unohana had given him (her own special brand nicknamed 'Zaraki Bane', as it was the only sedative strong enough to knock out the monsterous man long enough to sew him back together). Renji was pretty sure Rukia would've counted her brother being unconcious as 'something stupid that ruins the wedding'.

* * *

It was a beautiful day, and the bride was glowing with pride. Not having a father, it was her adopted brother who was marching her down the aisle; everyone in the wedding could agree that she was a sight to behold.

Until, of course, her brother, arm still linked in her own, produced a chloroform-covered cloth from his sleeve, used it to knocker her out, picked her up bodily and ran for the door screaming "NOW!"

This was, apparently, a pre-arranged cue, as it was at this point that Ukitake and Kyouraku started to move. Their roles, it seemed, being to allow for Byakuya's successful escape and to detain or kill the groom, respectively.

As Ukitake engaged Urahara in battle and Kyouraku began to barricade the door, Renji was the first to move. Possibly because he was the only one to anticipate this, or maybe because fear for his life once Rukia regained conciousness spurred him into action, he managed to pass Kyouraku before the doors were fully blocked and pursue Byakuya, shouting "YOU BASTARD! WE HAD A DEAL!" after his quarry.

Byakuya apparently heard this and retorted, "I am keeping my end of the deal- I promised today would go off without a hitch, and I am currently preventing anyone from getting hitched."

"That is the worst loophole and lamest pun ever! Now put down your goddamned sister!"

Meanwhile, the rest of the wedding guests, being almost entirely made up of Shinigami, stopped gawking and also made to either rescue the bride, or help Byakuya escape.

When Yoruichi joined Urahara in fending off Ukitake, and Soi Fong made for Kyouraku at the door, Zaraki decided that while he didn't care about the wedding he certainly _did_ care when Captain-level Shinigami were fighting and he wasn't involved, and thus just started attacking anyone in range and causing asmuch chaos as possible, while Unohana loaded her tranquilizers to try to calm things down.

While Yoruichi, who was for some reason Best Man instead of a bridesmaid, fought, Renji was long gone and probably lost Byakuya ages ago, Isshin laughed his ass off, and Ryuuken opened one of the wine bottles and tried to stay out of the fray, the only remaining groomsman surveyed the damage with an appraising look and a smirk.

"Best wedding EVER." Ichigo commented.

Tatsuki, having wandered over to Ichigo after getting a piece of the cake that someone had started raiding, thought for a moment. "I dunno, Orihime's at least had something blow up."

Ururu, however, saw fit to change this fact when she realized her boss was in danger and had pulledout the rocket launcher.

The chandalier fell to the floor, and someone's dress burst into flames.

" _Now_ it's the best wedding ever."

* * *

Dedicated to Azamiko, because it's high time I got around to dedicating something to her. 


End file.
